


A Time for Honesty

by AnotherLostSoul



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Altered Mental States, Bittersweet, Canon Compliant, Dead L (Death Note), Emotional Manipulation, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Instability, Sad Ending, Shinigami!L, Sobbing, The truth hurts but so do lies, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, What Have I Done, What is a God?, Yagami Light is Kira, guilt and pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:21:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23927539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherLostSoul/pseuds/AnotherLostSoul
Summary: 'There are no Gods but the ones we make ourselves. Neon light idols and green coloured paper, they are the Gods most worship in this filthy, rotten world!' - Light Yagami.
Relationships: Amane Misa/Yagami Light, L/Yagami Light
Comments: 13
Kudos: 38





	A Time for Honesty

**Author's Note:**

> Heeey! Sorry for being kinda Missing in action lately. Life's been hectic and my motivation to write has been basically at zero 💁 but I think I'm getting out of that slump now. 
> 
> Enjoy, and please do leave feedback!

Light lay awake, eyes unfocussed and distant as he gazed up at the ceiling. He was thinking back to a time where he'd questioned L about his insomnia. He'd been quite blunt and asked what kept the Detective up at night. Ever enigmatic, L had smiled faintly and answered: " _ Specters, Light-Kun" _

At the time, Light hadn't really understood that bizarre answer but now, nearly six years after L's death, he understood it perfectly. The same Specters were keeping him up at night. Names, faces, longings, feelings- they all churned relentlessly round and round his head. Forefront of them all was a pair of unfathomable grey eyes and the letter L. Sometimes Light wondered if he was going mad. Sometimes he didn't even care… 

_ 'It will be lonely, won't it?' _

Light smiled wryly and shifted away from Misa. She should know better than try and scoot closer to him. He barely tolerated her as it was. If it wasn't for her eyes he knew she'd be long in the ground. Perhaps soon he'd put her there anyway. He had Mikami and he had Takada, so losing Misa would hardly be devastating. 

' _ Not like losing him…'  _ Light thought before he could stop himself. The thought made anger, thick and hot, crawl up through his veins and he threw the covers off him and climbed out of the bed. He felt irritated and listening to the slight wheeze of Misa's snores was not helping. 

He walked into the kitchen, poured himself a whiskey and ice (his father's favourite drink) _ 'god rest his soul' _ and smiled grimly at that blasphemous thought.  _ 'God rest his soul? There are no gods but the ones we make ourselves. Neon light idols and coloured paper, they are the gods most worship in this filthy, rotten world'  _

Light walked out onto the balcony and swept his gaze over the foggy cityscape before him. Rotten. Poisoned. The blare of car horns and the thump of distant music made him sigh. He'd forgotten one more kind of god: gods of Death. He'd killed one by manipulating her to write L's true name down. He was a god of Death himself. The thought made him giggle. From down the hall, Misa watched, terrified, as Light giggled in the dark. She was scared for him. She didn't recognize who he was sometimes…

_ ''Oh, L, I miss you. I miss looking up at the stars with you. I saw more when I was with you. The stars seemed to shine for us, didn't they? I wish things could have been different. If only you had stood by my side rather than opposed me. The world would have been ours for the taking. Instead I'm ruling alone with your ghost for a consort-' _

**'That's rather poetic, Light-Kun, do go on'**

Light's stomach plummeted, his glass falling to the ground as his fingers spasmed with shock. The smash of glass and that husky laugh rang in his ears and for a second Light couldn't  _ breathe _ .The air trapped in his throat rattled and he looked around himself, eyes wide with shock. That was L! 

"L? Are you here?" Light checked at the  _ hope _ in his voice and narrowed his eyes, "And why are you here  _ now _ , you bastard? Six damn years-"

**'I've been here for those six years too, Light-Kun, I just didn't let you know that. I'm only letting you know now as you are going to die soon'**

Light felt a chill run down his spine. L's words were calm, measured and without the gloating he was certain  _ should _ be there. "What do you mean? Can you see when I am going to die? Why can't I see you?" 

Light was certain he could hear the smile in L's voice as he answered. 

**"Always questions, Light-Kun. I am not permitted to tell you when you will die, only that it is close. As to why you can't see me the simple answer is I don't *want* you to. Not yet, anyway'**

Light pushed himself off the wall and stumbled into the apartment, his head spinning. He couldn't see L, no, but his voice was like a bell in his ears. 

_ 'I hear… the bell' _

Was he hearing the tolls of his own approaching death too? It didn't matter if he couldn't see L. He could feel the weight of that inky stare burning into his chest. It made him sit down and crumple under its weight. "Do… do you hate me?"

**'I should, shouldn't I?'** There was a musing, thoughtful tone to L's disembodied voice.  **'But I do not. At least, not entirely. Light-Kun was my friend and my enemy. Light-Kun was my equal and someone I both admired and loathed greatly. There appears to be a thin line between such things. Do you hate *me*, Light-Kun? That smirk you graced me with as I died implied that you did'**

"I…" Light found the words stuck in his throat. He wanted to deny it. He didn't  _ hate _ L because that was far too simple a phrase to use. His feelings for L simply couldn't be boxed up as neatly as that. "I was enjoying the win" he finally muttered, flicking his eyes up to where he imagined L would stand. He wanted to bait him, see the anger in his eyes. Just see him again. The years that had passed hadn't dimmed the image of L, His features were carved marble, cold and immortal, engraved in Light's mind. His hair would be as unruly as always, raven strands sticking up haphazardly as the man chewed on his thumb in thought. Those dark eyes would narrow, just slightly, in annoyance. 

Light  _ ached _ to see it once more. 

**'Well, I do hope it was worth it, Light-Kun, and I'll be sure to return the favor soon. I had hoped I'd find more than gloating and ambition in you but I suppose not. Farewell, Kira…'**

Light felt a sudden breeze and stumbled to his feet as the flimsy balcony curtains whipped up like someone had brushed past them. Had L left?  _ 'Shit! I've hurt him! No, he can't leave now. I have to tell him!' _

"H-hey, wait! L! Come back!" Light looked around hopelessly, his usually perfect hair disheveled. His answer was the blaring of a horn from the streets far below and a resounding heaviness in his heart. 

He was going to die soon. L had left. Why was he more concerned about the  _ latter _ ? 

Laughing, Light shook his head and wiped away the tears of stress, exhaustion and pain that were trickling out of his eyes unchecked. He was too tired to fight them or deny their existence anymore. He was just so tired of living a life without L. But, tired or not, he didn't want to  _ lose _ . He didn't want to die. Surely he had come too far, risked too much and  _ sacrificed _ too much to fail now? 

But to be with L again… 

"L?" Light felt foolish whispering in the dark. This time he was met with a resounding silence. L had gone. "I'm sorry…" fresh tears welled in Light's eyes and the self-proclaimed god broke down in brutal sobs, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Come back, L,  _ Please _ …"

Silence.

Wordlessly, Misa crept back to bed with a dark thought in her heart:  _ 'Light is losing his mind…' _

*************************

Two weeks passed between L's visit and the fateful day of January 28th. Despite Light's pleads, threats (something he later scoffed at, how could he hurt L more than he already had?) and freverant hoping, L did not reappear. 

Light felt more haunted than ever and those around him spotted the change instantly. Gone was the confident swagger and arrogant smile of a god in the making. Now, Light slumped as though the burden on his shoulders had cracked his spine. It was all getting too much for the self-proclaimed god. 

Misa stole away to talk in confidence to Mikami and Takada and confessed Light was mumbling 'L' in his sleep and had even been talking to him one night.

"When he became L I thought it was a good thing but it's getting too much for him!" Misa fretted, tears of anguish filling up her pretty eyes. Mikami and Takada shared a swift look. So it wasn't just them who had noticed the worrying decline of their god?

"It is not Kami's duties as L which is draining him but the responsibility of being  _ Kira _ " Mikami answered primly, refusing to believe Light Yagami was slipping. Light Yagami was god and he was above such things. He was simply too stressed, that was all. "Our Kami shoulders more responsibility than any one and it is our privilege and honor to assist him-"

"Did he say 'L' or Ryuzaki?" Takada cut in, her keen senses telling her there was more going on here than met the eye. She didn't have time for Mikami's simpering denial. She remembered 'Hideki Ryuga' and even back then she felt a connection between the two young men. She suspected the reason Light was practically splintering apart before their eyes was because the gravity of a life without L had finally taken its toll. Light had loved him, she was certain of it. 

"L…he thought he was talking to L. He's missing L and I think it's killing him" Misa whined, "I've got such a bad feeling!"

Takada and Mikami shared another look, more of a grimace this time. Not for the first time they wondered if their Kami really was losing his grip on his sanity. His behaviour had become increasingly erratic lately… 

L, who had been listening to this meeting intently, smiled grimly at the three Kiras and walked out of the room. They were right. Light  _ was _ succumbing. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. 

_ 'But not while I am still around!' _ Finally finding the strength he needed, L decided to return to Light for one last time…

********************

Light had slipped out of the apartment, evaded the Task Force, and was walking as calmly as he could towards the little cemetery that held L's monument. He'd get L to talk to him. L was probably still hanging around and was just being a stubborn bastard. He needed answers and he was determined L was going to give them to him. 

He stopped off at a florist to buy some lilies (more for show than anything) and approached L's simple marble cross. He shivered as a cold breeze slipped through his hair and a shadow fell across the grave. At first he thought he'd finally snapped and that reality had blurred, but as he blinked in shock he realised he really was looking at the familiar figure of L. L had artfully sprawled across his grave, back propped against the marble cross. Somber dark eyes held Light's weary, bloodshot ones. 

"Hey, Light-Kun..."

For a split second Light panicked. He didn't know what to do. L looked so  _ real _ ! his anger quickly took over and after making sure the coast was clear, Light stalked over to the sprawled Detective. 

"You have some nerve-"

"S ays the one who  _ killed _ me" L looked entirely too amused but his words gave Light pause. He couldn't argue against them. "You've gone mad, Kira, I barely recognize you anymore" a hint of despair as the amusement died from the ghost's eyes. 

"Then why are you here?!" Light demanded. 

L fixed Light with an oddly pitying glance. "I wanted to see if there was any of you left. I'm not sure if there is. I thought I could see flashes but… if you were just honest with yourself right now I would know for certain if Light Yagami has indeed vanished or not"

Light sat down on the grass and stared at L. He wanted honesty? Since when had they  _ ever _ been honest with one another? God, he wanted it though. He wanted them to speak another language but lies together! 

"I can feel you picking that apart, trying to decide if it's worth your while to let your guard down and be honest. I'm  _ dead _ , Light-Kun, and soon you will be too. What does it matter anymore?"

"I don't plan on dying"

L's smile turned sly, "Well, I suppose it will come as a disappointment when you do then, won't it? I however  _ did _ plan on dying. I knew before I took on the Kira case there was a 14% chance it would cost my life. The risk was worth it and I was rather certain being L wouldn't grant me a long life, but I digress. I told you before I always knew you were Kira but what I didn't anticipate was how much you'd change when you lost your memories. In the spirit of honesty I will tell you what I've wanted to say to you for six years: I fell in love with Light Yagami and that is the reason I have remained by your side"

"You love me?" Light felt his heart seize in his chest and he wondered if Ryuk had written his name down already. 

"I love Light Yagami.  _ You _ … I don't know about you" L's eyes stared at Light searchingly, "Are you still there or has the power and plots corrupted you, Light-Kun?"

_ 'Am I still here? He's acting like I'm a different person!' _ Light wanted to deny it but found he couldn't speak. Sometimes he did feel different. Sometimes the shadows whispered to him. 

_ 'You're nothing but a murderer. You aren't a god, You will fail!' _

**_'No! I am God of the New World! No one but me can fix this rotten world and I will do it!'_ **

He swallowed the lump forming in his throat and felt tears prick his eyes. L had died loving him. L  _ knew _ he was going to kill him and yet he'd done nothing. That rainy evening on the roof the Detective had pretty much said goodbye to him. 

"My feelings for you compromised me. I know who you are meeting tomorrow and I can assure you he would never let such feelings interfere with a case. That is why I chose him as my heir. He will win this game, Light, you cannot escape your fate. Tomorrow is the day you will die and I will be there to see this case finally come to a close" L wished with every single thing he had left within him that  _ Light _ would accept this. If he did, he would have the power to offer another option to him, another option he doubted Light could even fathom. An option that would save countless lives:

A bittersweet lie.

Denial flashed through him and Light struggled against the onslaught of  _ truth _ L was lying on him. He wanted to turn and run but he found himself rooted to the spot, pinned by mercilessly frank dark eyes. He  _ had _ to tell him. If he was to die tomorrow then he would die without that secret weighing down his heart. L deserved to know the truth and it was long past the time for honesty. 

"L…I love you" Light's voice cracked and he cleared his throat self-consciously, "I want you to know that. If what you are saying is true I will not try and fight my fate. Near is going to defeat me. That sickens me but… " Light cautiously reached for L, smiling sadly in relief when L didn't pull away. L willed Light to feel him and Light sucked in a startled breath as his questing fingers brushed across a cold cheek. "We couldn't be together in life. Could we be together in death?"

A strange gleam flashed in L's eyes and Light was struck by how silver they looked. He watched as L reached behind him and pulled out a slim, white notebook. 

A Death Note. 

"L…" 

"When Rem died her powers transferred to me. There are not many Shinigami left, you see, and so a trade was made… I offer you a trade, Light. I can write your name down here and spare you the pain and humiliation tomorrow will bring. Or, if you refuse, I will let you live to meet your destined end… it will not be peaceful. It will not grant you  _ dignity _ "

Light uttered a small laugh of disbelief. "L… you're a  _ god _ !"

Light shifted closer, fingers curling around the  _ Shinigami's _ sharp jaw. "I want you. I'll die with you"

L let out a shaky breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding. He quickly scrawled a few words into his Death Note and pulled Light into his arms. It was fitting for Light to die in them as he had died in his. Everything had come full circle. 

"When?" Light whispered, leaning his head wearily on L's shoulders. It felt so  _ good _ to just let go. The distant sound of bird song made him smile. It was a requiem, just for him. 

"Soon" L soothed, running a hand down Light's back. "Just close your eyes, Light. Everything will be over soon"

Light felt oddly calm as he waited for death to claim him. He knew it was because he had been given a choice. He wasn't afraid of dying in L's arms. It felt right. The first wave of pain assaulted him and he let out a harsh gasp before biting his lip. L had died without a choice but he'd died with dignity and in silence. So would he. He trusted L and clung to him desperately. He wanted to apologize to him for causing the pain he was now experiencing himself but he couldn't. 

"Shh," L crooned, carding his fingers through the dying man's hair. "Listen to my voice, Light. When you die you will be reborn as a Shinigami and we will be together. You want that, right?"

Light managed a faint smile into L's shoulder as his heart gave out. Peacefully, he gave into death and slumped into L's arms.

L held the cooling body for several long minutes, his dark eyes fixed on the laughing Shinigami lounging against the apple tree. 

"Hyuk! He  _ fell _ for it!"

L felt sick as he stroked his fingers through Light's hair.  _ 'I am so sorry, Light…' _

"It was the only thing I could do. He would have beaten Near and more people would have died. Appealing to his love and desire for honesty between us.. " L felt sick as he uttered the words. Light's body was cooling and that peaceful smile on his face felt like daggers in his heart.  _ 'He trusted me…in the end, he finally trusted me' _

L smiled sadly at the handsome face and pressed one last kiss to cold lips. "I am sorry, Light, but I do not believe there was ever a time for honesty for us. Never for us…"

Ryuk watched in amusement as the new Shinigami gently laid Kira's corpse out on the ground. Technically the kid was supposed to be his to kill but how could he have said no when Lawliet had come to him with such a deliciously cunning plan?

Two ebony wings unfurled from L's back and he launched himself into the sky, that trusting, peaceful smile eating him up inside. 

It hadn't all been lies. He'd died loving Light and when he was reborn as a Shinigami he knew his duty to close the Kira case remained. It had taken six long years of careful observation and reconciliation before he'd made his move. In the end, Light had died peacefully in his arms rather than as the deluded tyrant he was becoming. It felt like a small mercy considering the trust he had broken in those final precious seconds. 

L couldn't cry, but if he could he weep openly at the unfairness of it all. As it was, he had three more names to write down and then it would be over. Mikami, Takada and Misa would die, the Kira case closed and then he would be left to haunt a barren world and mourn a time that never was, nor ever would be, his;

A time for honesty… 

  
  
  



End file.
